Why is it that most vegetarians feel the need to try and sell everyone their lifestyle? They attack with the fervor of an Amway salesperson crossed with a pair of Jehovah's witnesses. Do they get gross points on vegetarianism's popularity or something? Are there soy farmers giving them kickbacks? Do they get a free falafel for every third person they convert? Well, nothing's better than the good ole hard sell to get people to tune you out completely.

The attempted salvation usually occurs in the form of people trying to feed you those pre-packaged, store bought veggie burgers. These are not healthy. The fact of the matter is that these "burgers", as well as those clammy little vegetarian hotdogs, are all manufactured in some food processing plant. You think you are all eating healthy, but meanwhile, these things were processed by the not-necessarily-hygiene-oriented Bubba Sue, off in some factory, in god only knows where.

If you think the FDA's got all that processing and packaging under a close watch, think again. The FDA has standards for ALLOWABLE bug parts and bug fecal content in manufactured foods. That means that Uncle Sam has mandated that it's OK to have bug doody and antennae in your healthy little veggie burgers. But just more protein right?

If you have a stiffy over these burgers, why don't you point your fakenstocks down to the health store, pick up some textured vegetable protein (TVP) and learn how to cook for your damn self. You shouldn't be eating pre-packaged anything if you are so concerned about your health. All those faux burgers and hot dogs pretty much taste like caca anyways, especially if you don't make them yourself.

Every time vegetarians try to get you to eat one of those things, they have to preface the whole deal by saying, "Yeah, try it, it tastes just like real hamburger."

And its true, they do taste just like real hamburgers that is , if real hamburgers were made out of candle wax? Don't be delusional. All that balsamic vineagar has gone to your head and made you crazy. It tastes more like a hamburger than, say, toothpaste, but no way in hell does it taste just like hamburger.

These little meat substitutes might be relatively palatable on their own merit, but of course, the added zealotry makes you ignore any appeal this stuff might actually have had. This fanatic routine is about as subtle as when you look at a used car that has been in the classifieds for two months, and before you're even down the driveway, some Jethro is booking out of his house, yelling to you, "Oh, are ya here to see the car? Yeah well there's a coupla guys coming over to look at it tomorrow. They're REAL interested." Oooohh how slick. Who could refuse such a fulsome display?

Of course, vegans have to come and lean on you to try this junk when you're just trying to lax out at some barbeque. You don't think it'd be polite to throw the "burger" in the pool, and since the dog's too smart to eat it, you nosh on the thing politely as the follow up is forced upon you , "Doesn't it? Doesn't it taste just like real hamburger?" Begrudgingly, you feign a mild, "Oh Yeah."

Another misconception is the free-range chicken. This lovely notion conjures up images of the chicken, majestic beast that it is, milling across a plain, in noble heards, with the sun sinking sullenly behind the horizon. Of course, anyone who has actually raised these animals knows that you could give a chicken the entire universe to roam, and it would still stand in the same one square foot area and eat bugs out of its own poop all day and all night. These are the same animals who are so stupid, that when it rains, they look up to see where the rain is coming from, and then drown as it rains into their beaks.

So, lighten up, and stop trying to convert everyone. You didn't like it when you got leaned on in sunday school or wherever. Get off your soap-box and be yourself because you honestly believe it's best for you, not because it is cool. Axe the sanctimonious routine and just gimme something to eat, damnit.