No one else can piss me off like a stubborn fucking Christian with an affinity for speaking. I've never heard of any other religion (or organization) wherein its disciples contradict themselves to such an inconceivable degree.
I really wish I owned a time machine. I'd love to go back in time to see the Virgin Mary, ya know, before she got knocked-up by some horny drunk and pretended her child was a gift from God (how convenient). Yeah, I'd go back and fill her up with some wine, weed, and ecstasy. I would then proceed to mount the lying bitch doggie-style and work her Holy Hole until Joseph heard her screams of passion from church three blocks over. I'd shag Mary rotten! And I wonder, if Joseph didn't provide Mary with sexual pleasures, would he even recognize her screams of passion when I was jackhammering her silly? And Jesus being the son of God, THAT WOULD MAKE ME GOD!!!
It could only be Christians who would believe that a couple could get married, never fuck, and have a child. Sure, it sounds so good and pure; the Christians wouldn't have it any other way. At least that's what they'd have you believe. Okay, maybe Joseph never banged Mary, which would mean that Mary obviously screwed some other stud, probably because Joey-boy was closet fag. If they lived in today's times they would have regular seats on Jerry Springer! Talk about a dysfunctional family.
Okay, I can tell that the Christians have already dismissed me as just being a crude rebel, probably angry at the world or something, and refuse to send any more attention my way. Again, because I am condescending, patronizing, haughty, pompous, and arrogant (but logical), I can't have an opinion in the religious realm. The really fucked up thing is that all of these good and loving, nonviolent, beautiful Christians love and worship a book, the Bible, that is filled with many, many sordid stories. Stories that will never be mentioned in church! It seems that people 2000 years ago loved to drink and do drugs, lied, fucked and generally caused the sort of problems like those seen in today's society. But those were magical times, right kids?
The Bible telling stories of rape, incest, adultery, exhibitionism, debauchery, abortion, prostitution, drugs, bestiality, castration, scatology - all the nasty stuff Christians hate to think of?!? It's true! If the bible had pictures it would have put Larry Flint out of business. Hey, the Bible isn't the number one selling book in the United States just because people are brainwashed as children! Grab the copy you have at home and read all the nasty bits (if you can handle it). Or better yet, go out and take a look at a book that compiles and details all the cool parts of the Bible and goes through each scripture like Ciffs Notes. Get The X-Rated Bible by Professor Ben Edward Akerley and learn how to annoy your Christian friends and neighbors with their own habiliments and propaganda!
And who am I to make such outrageous claims? The Reverend Random Zen is a bona fide MINISTER of the Universal Life Church! No bullshit here. Be ordained online at www.ulc.org!
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